I'm Afraid Of Not Being In Control

Captain of my fate.
Master of my destiny.
Lord of my future.

All my life, I've made plans—plans for tomorrow, plans for the workweek, plans for the next few months. And whether I like it or not, my default is to believe that I'm in control. I can go hours, days, or even weeks thinking that I'm in the driver's seat and that everything around me is the result of my successes or failures.

And then my kids went back to school.

*cue glass breaking*

Less than two weeks in, my daughter had a classmate sent home and quarantined with the coronavirus. My wife had to pick her up immediately. The next morning, we went to get her tested. And then the day after she went back to class, we were informed that another classmate at my daughter's school was being sent home and quarantined with the coronavirus.

It's been a tense week at our house. I've been frustrated, confused, and distracted. I missed an assignment at work. I got into a needless argument with my wife.

In short, I am afraid.

I can't control the health of my family.
I can't guarantee I'll have a week free of disruptions.
And all of that terrifies me.

And it's a fear that's been with us from the beginning. We fought God for control in the garden, choosing to eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. And then we fought to have a king. And then we fought to worship idols. And then we fought to crucify our Savior.

We fight tooth and nail for control and it's so often a dead end for the exact reason we should have never been fighting in the first place: God has the control, not us.

Listen to advice and accept instruction,
that you may gain wisdom in the future.
Many are the plans in the mind of a man,
but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.
— Proverbs 19:20-21

Knowing that the Lord is in control, and that we are not, is freedom. There is no anxiety to do everything exactly right, because the call isn't so much do as it is trust in God. We may fail, but God (and His plans) don't.

And imagine if it were all up to us. What a tremendous amount of pressure. In the short-term, we might make a single decision that benefits us... or a few people... or a lot of people. But then what? How do you juggle all of that responsibility?

I was terrified and angry of not being in control. And I'm still frustrated that I'm not able to get done everything I want to because of things happening outside my control. But it's temporary. This fight won't last forever.

And pretty soon, I'll be glad I'm not in the driver's seat.